Go Complain on the Internet

Chicago is a wonderful city. Where else in the world can you gaze across the panoramic sky at hundreds of gray skyscrapers, watch the city workers nap while on the clock, and pay ridiculous sums of money in taxes and living costs? There is no other place in the United States that offers such beautiful scenery. Like warm weather and sun? That’s a shame because we don’t get any here in Chicago. Instead we get lots of snow and harsh winds here in the Windy City. And I don’t think its ever been “warm” in Chicago; instead we suffer through a series of heat waves during our short, overcast summers.

Chicago truly is one of a kind. So much so that Forbes thought it was the #6 most miserable US city. Though this isn’t based on the appearance of the city by any means. Rather for commute times, weather, crime, taxes and more.

If you are thinking of moving to Chicago, I strongly urge you to reconsider. If you currently living in Chicago, have thought about leaving, but haven’t, may I ask you something? What are you waiting for? Maybe I’m being a little bit harsh. With the highest sales tax in the country and unemployment rates higher than the national average, I must admit there are some very valid reasons for not being able to leave this God forsaken city. Traits like these have won the city of Chicago (and the State of Illinois) many awards including the number 6 spot on Forbes’ list of most expensive American cities. You can probably tell that Forbes is very fond of “Chi-Town.”

If you are lucky enough to be able to afford a car, you get to avoid the trains and the fear of getting mugged. However, owning a car in Chicago has its own downfalls. As many Chicago locals will tell you, the second season in Chicago is road work, in addition to winter of course. With roads narrower than many grandfathers urethra that are littered with pot holes, it is far from ideal for such a populous city.

You would think that with taxes so high, many of the problems could be solved. Of course with corrupt police and a highly corrupt government, not much of anything ever gets done here. Hopefully a younger generation will grow up sick of the corruption in Chicago and do something about it. Luckily for “Crook” county officials, this will probably never happen because young Chicagoans get some of the worst education in the country.

It took me a long time before I got totally fed up with Chicago and decided to move away to Southern Illinois. Strangely, what put me over the edge was my nicotine addiction. I used to smoke at least a pack of cigarettes a day living in Chicago. Of course now that I’ve moved from that wretched and stressful city, I smoke far less.

The one thing I can say I thoroughly enjoyed about Chicago were the bars. There was something strangely comforting about walking into a Chicago bar and getting a smell of the smoke, alcohol, and Italian sausage grease that the obese people of Chicago excrete from their pores. Of course it wasn’t long before they took away my last pleasure of living in Chicago. When the smoking ban went into effect, banning smoking in nearly all public places, including bars, there was no real reason for me to stay in Chicago.

When cigarette prices rose above $7 in Chicago, I was faced with a tough decision. Give up smoking, as it was costing me a fortune, or move. I spent many sleepless nights in bed trying to weigh the pros and cons of living in Chicago.

For many of the same reasons listed earlier in this rant, I decided it was time to pack my bags and leave for greener pastures and to enjoy my oh-so-sweet cancer sticks. That’s right. I’d rather kill myself slowly than spend another day in the city of Chicago.

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You know what really grinds my gears? Those goddamn links that force your browser into an endless dance of someone swinging their dick around in circles to the tune of You Spin Me Right Round by Dead or Alive. The latest implementation of this abomination is www.makemoniesonline.com. Fortunately, I’ve been tricked into clicking this damn thing so many times that I’ve become an expert at quickly closing the browser without ending the task forcefully.

I use Firefox and so should you.

When your browser starts flailing homosexually around your screen, follow this list and you should be safe from the dreaded dick roll:

1. Make sure the browser window is in focus
   • Using alt+tab is the easiest way to do this when the window keeps jumping around away from your mouse
2. Immediately press Ctrl+F4
   • This will attempt to close the current tab that is open, which is the swinging dick of course.
3. Hold Enter or Escape
   • Usually a Javascript alert will appear and will continue to be on your screen until you get through the entirety of the song or whatever is happening. The last popup will be a Continue or Exit screen usually. If you hold down Enter or Escape, one will keep you on the page and one will close it. It usually changes, so its easiest to just hold down one of the keys and if it works, good, if not, then hold down the other when it starts over.
4. Be careful for “clicking” the link again
   • When you hold Enter to close all of the alerts, sometimes the page will close, only to take you back to your previous page where you clicked the link. If this happens, the link will probably be in focus while you’re holding down the Enter button. This case will bring up the link again and you’ll have to start over. So if you see this happening, you can hold Enter for a while and then slow down and go one by one towards the end.

Good luck. May your days be dick roll free.

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GTalk pisses me off because it won’t stop blinking. I decided to go complain on the internet because nobody in “real life” gives a hoot.

If you don’t know what Gtalk is, you can find it in your Google email account on the sidebar where it says “chat” (yes, very tricky). It’s really useful because it incorporates AIM into it so I can chat online with babes all day without ever needing to open an application — well, other than Firefox. The titlebar (or tab) of the browser blinks when you receive a new message. This feature is very handy so you don’t forget about your chat windows or you don’t waste precious time checking the tab or window every 13 seconds.

The issue at hand is the fact that the window or tab also blinks when you’ve already read your most recent messages. It sort of dilutes the usefulness of the original feature. Sadly, this hasn’t been fixed yet and it’s a bit depressing. The chat works very nicely other than that.

Google, you’re an embryonic rockabilly polkadotted fighter pilot! Silly Google!

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• I do not like these traffic lights; I do not like them or their heights.
• I do not like them I will say; I do not like them any way.
• I do not like them in the night; I do not like them when it’s light.
• I do not like them I’ll tell you; my hate for them is overdue.
• I do not like these traffic lights; so I’ll write about them on my sites.

I seriously can’t stand Milwaukee’s street lights. You know someone’s passionate about something when they bust out some Dr. Seuss rhyming to describe their dislike for it. Not only do the layouts of the light systems fail completely in their attempt to make any sense but they also don’t manage teh city’s traffic effectively at all. The last time I checked, those two things were pretty important when you were talking about a traffic light system.

All of the lights also lack any consistency with one another throughout the city. I don’t think that this could just be classified as a “pet-peeve” either since this issue could potentially wind up with people dead. The real issue at hand comes down to the fact that, at night, the regular traffic lights are disabled and they turn into a blinking system where some are yellow and some are red. Some intersections have a four-way stop and some others have a two-way stop and two-way caution. If you’re going through either one of these intersections, you do not know what color the adjacent lights are. Does the other person crossing the intersection have yellow or red lights? Should I wait and risk looking like a fool because they have to stop or should I go ahead and possibly get T-boned? Why am I the only one that has noticed this strange problem? Why!? TELL ME!

People around here can barely drive as it is without being aided by an inconsistent traffic light system. It’s also an extra reason for these people to have to think and we certainly want to avoid that at all costs!

Some people have tried to convince me that the system works just fine and that I’m just being overly-critical. Of course, these people are not only wrong and suck at life but they’re also the type of people who like to disagree simply for the sake of disagreeing. Here is a made up version of something they would say:

What are you talking about? The lights aren’t that bad. They only assist in driving up the automobile accident percentage by a significant number and will absolutely kill someone one of these days. What’s so wrong about an occasional death here and there? Why are you so critical?

Dumb, huh? That’s basically the argument, stripped down to the bone, so its ineptitude can be seen. It isn’t hidden by their useless and propaganda-esque drivel.

Stop trying to argue against it so you can make yourself feel like you’re smart and that you matter! Because you don’t and no one cares that you can make yourself heard for the sake of exercising your right to be an imbecile. You’re tying two granny knots with a loop and it ain’t happenin!

I suppose the purpose of this rant is two-fold. Not only do I hate Milwaukee street lights but I also hate people who try and argue against things for the purpose of trying to capture other people’s attention. I do not like these people and would not be very upset if they were in the accidents caused by the aforementioned, stupid-ass traffic lights.

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While it’s practically overkill to complain about anything in regards to Microsoft, sometimes it’s very therapeutic. So here we go.

Although there were a lot of the new improvements that Microsoft Office 2007 offered when it was first released, the biggest possible change they could have made is still completely and utterly missing in action. Not even a nod in the right direction to give us hopes for the future or anything. It is nothing more than absolute disappointment.

What feature do I speak of, you may ask? Tabs! Tabs for heaven’s sake! Would it seriously be that hard to implement, Microsoft? Perhaps try replacing a pointless Internet Explorer task with this one because only God truly knows how much you’ve rewritten the rules of web development in the past decade. Seriously — come on!

I don’t know about you but personally, I always have a boat-load of different Office windows open. Each of them is for a different use. I don’t do this because I’m an idiot and have problems closing things, nor am I a window hoarder. No, I need to have each of these documents open throughout the day — I seriously do. It’s directly related to what I do for a living, if you must know. A tab system would make my life exponentially more organized and efficient.

Come on, Microsoft! No one cares that you spend your days creating extra avatars to replace Clippy, the least used aspect of Office. It’s Microsoft Office! If you can manage to use Clippy then you’ve mastered some of the deepest secrets of the big-O. If you don’t know how to use it by now then there is just no hope for you anyway.

Give me FREEDOM or give me TABS!

I don’t think it’s too much to ask. If anything, the transition would give Microsoft Office a leaping advantage over Open Office, not that it’s much of a rivalry. Sometimes I am under the presumption that more profit is not in Microsoft’s business plan. I probably shouldn’t try to make sense of a mega-corporation’s actions because then I’ve already lost. There’s absolutely no way for us mortals to understand why they do some of the things they do. If you do manage to figure it out, your head is bound to explode soon thereafter leaving a mess that even Microsoft can’t clean up. Speaking of which, I need some asperin.

I suppose it’s not even worth it. They probably knew exactly what they were doing all along and will release tabs in the next version, just as Bill planned back in 1963. Petition anyone? No? Going overboard? Fine, I’m going to eat some leftover turkey to drown my sorrows away. Here’s to you, Microsoft.

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